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  • Marcy Kocher


I tend to have very high expectations of myself and others.

I’m not proud of it, but I’ve learned it’s a way of protecting myself.

I developed it when I was very young, where most of our self-protection comes from.

It might have worked brilliantly for me as a child, but it doesn’t work so well now.

Now it causes me a lot of pain if I don’t manage it well.

One of the ways these expectations manifest is through shoulds.

I start thinking some version of they should or shouldn’t or I should or shouldn’t.

Whenever I think a should thought, it inevitably makes me feel angry, frustrated, disappointed, and sad.

If I investigate my thoughts thoroughly, I find that it usually originates from a core belief that no one cares about me.

Yes, it sounds dramatic, but remember, this comes from childhood.

How does this belief protect me?

From a primitive brain perspective, if I believe no one cares about me, I disconnect, distance, and detach.

I tell myself, I don’t need anyone, I’m fine on my own, and therefore, no one can hurt me.

Of course, this is all very subconscious.

I’ve learned to bring it to my consciousness by noticing the anger or frustration.

The feeling is the clue.

Then I ask myself what am I thinking that’s causing the frustration.

Ooh, I’m thinking they should have because I would have.

That’s what caring people do.

Therefore they don’t care about me.

The truth is when I allow myself to dwell in this place; I’m not caring for myself.

I’m the one judging, disconnecting, and hurting myself.

If I allow this core belief to be in charge, it will block me from the very thing I want, which is love and connection.


However, when I create awareness of what I’m doing to myself and my relationships and take responsibility for my thoughts, feelings, and actions, I can do something constructive about it.

I don’t have to remain stuck here.

Awareness is where all my power is.

We all have subconscious core beliefs that are running the show.

No one cares about me is one of mine.

What’s yours?

It’s important to know so it doesn’t block you from what you want.

It’s also important to love and accept that part of you.

I used to judge and criticize myself for being judgmental and critical.

Now I gently, lovingly question what’s going on in my mind.

I accept that I have that core belief, and I might always have it.

It’s a deep neural groove.

But I don’t have to believe it and act on it.

In a way, it’s like a very loving but misguided friend trying to protect me by telling me to watch out for danger that isn’t really there.

I acknowledge it by hearing it, feeling it, and gently telling it the truth.

I am loved, I am cared for, I am safe.

And it quiets.

And I can get back to being my authentic self, defenses down.

Which is where all the peace, love, and joy reside.


So do something loving for yourself and check in like you would for a good friend.

Really listen and care.

What are your feeling?

What thoughts are creating that feeling?

Are those thoughts true?

Are they kind?

Are they helpful?

Remember, you are always creating what you (subconsciously) believe the most.

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