Since we’ve been on the topic of emotion for a few weeks, let’s talk about a big one.
Anger.
Anger is commonly regarded as a secondary emotion.
Which means it’s a reaction to a deeper emotion like fear, pain, injustice, disappointment, frustration, powerlessness, etc.
Those emotions do not feel good, so the brain try’s to protect you by feeling anger.
Anger feels powerful.
And power feels a little bit better than hurt or fear.
Depending on the intensity of the anger, it can activate your nervous system, your fight, flight, or freeze response, and hijack your thoughts and behaviors.
Researchers have discovered that learning to process anger in a healthy way rather than stuffing it or reacting to it is crucial for the health of your brain, body, and relationships.
Holding on to it and internalizing it makes you sick.
Reacting to it and thoughtlessly expressing it makes your relationships sick.
The solution is to know where your true power is.
Your power is in learning to be in charge of your thoughts, feelings, and actions, and ultimately your experience no matter what’s going on around you.
For example, when a police officer pulls you over for speeding, they approach your car with confidence and calm.
They don’t yell and scream and threaten you. (Hopefully!)
Police officers don’t need to be angry because they know they have all the power.
When you know who you are, your innate worthiness, what you are in control of, and what you are not, you will feel safe and no longer need to resort to anger to protect yourself.
In essence, your true power is always in love.
Love for yourself first.
Loving yourself means you can trust yourself to have your own back, to see, hear, and care for yourself, and you don’t have to allow other people’s behavior to prevent you from living a safe, healthy, happy life and when you have that self-knowing, self-trusting, self-love so deep in your bones you won’t need to react to anger.
You can be curious, compassionate and treat anger as what it is, information.
Then you can treat others with the same curious compassion.
Constructive anger leads us to take constructive action and create constructive change.
Destructive anger leads us to take destructive action and create destructive change.
It’s important to point out that today I’m specifically addressing the anger we experience in relationships.
However, sometimes it’s necessary to be angry because it fuels the action of saying no to inappropriate, damaging, or abusive behavior, whether in a relationship or out in the world.
When you or someone else is in danger, being attacked, or something is happening that is unkind or unjust, you are meant to feel angry, so you will take action to protect, defend, and stop the destructive behavior.
In these circumstances, anger is reasonable, appropriate, and necessary.
But as mature adults, we should learn to express our anger in a thoughtful, safe, and appropriate manner which will have a more significant impact.
The goal is to be in control of our thoughts and feelings so we can make a conscious decision about how to respond.
Anger, like all emotion, is information.
It’s not good or bad, right or wrong.
Humans get angry, and that’s okay.
So how do you process it in a healthy way?
You become aware.
You notice it in your body first.
You notice that you feel hot, your heart starts pounding, your hands get sweaty, and you are ready for fight, flight, or freeze.
Then you acknowledge it.
You tell your brain, I’m feeling angry right now.
This helps the brain to calm down.
Then you create a safe space to allow it.
Be compassionate with yourself.
You tell yourself, of course, I’m feeling angry. I’m human, and it’s okay.
Take a break, walk away, breathe into it, deeply, slowly.
This signals to your brain that you are safe.
Allow some of the intensity to release.
Then you get curious. What’s going on? What are you really reacting to? Fear, hurt, injustice?
Then you advance.
Take ownership of your thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Give yourself compassion and understanding.
Of course, you feel hurt when you think…
Be an emotional adult.
Be intentional; think it through. Take care of yourself.
What is the ultimate outcome you would like? Connection? Safety? Understanding? Respect?
What can you control regarding that outcome?
The answer is always YOUR thoughts, YOUR feelings, and YOUR actions - and that’s a lot.
I hope this helps.
Comments