How Limiting Beliefs are Formed and Changed
Last week, I wrote about the beliefs we carry and how learning to question them can begin to change our lives.
Afterward, a few readers asked what they could replace certain limiting beliefs with.
Such a good question!
But before we can replace a limiting belief, it helps to understand where it came from.
How Are Limiting Beliefs Formed?
Our limiting beliefs often have deep roots.
From the time we are very young, we gather information about ourselves, other people, and the world around us.
We absorb messages from our parents and caregivers, teachers, peers, culture, religion, media, and life experiences.
Some messages are spoken directly.
Others are communicated through what receives attention, approval, criticism, affection, or silence.
A child may be told:
“You’re such a good helper.”
That can be a loving compliment.
But if helping is also when she receives the most attention or approval, she may quietly begin to believe:
Being helpful is how I earn love.
A child who is praised mainly for achievement may decide:
I have to succeed to be worthy.
A child who is criticized for having strong emotions may conclude:
My feelings are too much.
A child who learns that keeping everyone happy creates peace may come to believe:
It’s my job to make sure no one is upset.
These are a few of the core beliefs I developed in childhood that unconsciously shaped much of my life. Going through this process has set me free in ways I didn’t know were possible.
Children Are Meaning-Makers
Limiting beliefs are not formed through words alone. They also do not always come from obvious trauma or intentionally harmful parenting.
Children are meaning-makers, but they do not yet have an adult’s ability to interpret what is happening.
They create explanations that help them understand their experiences, preserve connection, and feel as safe as possible.
Over time, these explanations can become core beliefs: deeply held assumptions about who we are, what we can expect from others, and how the world works.
They are sometimes called core wounds because they often reflect our deepest fears and most tender places.
Common Core Beliefs and Core Wounds
Some common limiting beliefs include:
• I’m not good enough.
• I’m unlovable.
• I don’t matter.
• I don’t belong.
• My needs are a burden.
• I’m too much—or not enough.
• I can’t trust anyone.
• I have to be perfect.
• I have to keep everyone happy.
• I have to earn love, rest, or approval.
• If I disappoint someone, they may reject me.
• I am responsible for how other people feel.
• I have to earn my worth by being useful.
We rarely think these thoughts consciously.
Core beliefs are the deeper stories beneath many of our recurring thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
For example:
If my core belief is My needs don’t matter, I may repeatedly put everyone else first while neglecting myself.
If I believe I have to keep everyone happy, another person’s disappointment may feel dangerous.
If I believe I have to earn my worth by being useful, resting may bring guilt instead of restoration.
These beliefs can become so familiar that they feel like facts.
But they are not facts.
They are conclusions we formed from earlier experiences, often before we had the maturity, perspective, or power to understand those experiences differently.
Can You Change a Limiting Belief?
Because limiting beliefs were learned, they can also be examined, updated, and gradually changed.
But that doesn’t usually happen by placing a shiny affirmation over an old wound.
Telling yourself I am worthy may not create meaningful change if a deeper part of you still believes your worth depends on what you do for everyone else.
Instead, you may need to begin with a bridge thought your brain and nervous system can believe:
• I’m learning to believe I’m worthy no matter what.
• I’m practicing being helpful without making my worth depend on it.
• I am beginning to consider that I may not have to earn my place in other people’s lives.
• I contribute because I choose to not because I have to prove my value.
The goal is not to stop being generous, loving, or helpful.
The goal is to let those qualities become expressions of who you are rather than obligations you must fulfill to deserve love, belonging, or rest.
Questions to Help You Identify Your Core Beliefs
This week, consider asking yourself:
• What did I learn I had to be or do to receive love, attention, or approval?
• What did I learn might happen if I disappointed someone?
• What do I fear it would mean about me if I stopped being useful for a while?
You don’t have to judge the belief or force it to disappear.
Simply begin by noticing it with curiosity and compassion.
It may have once helped you feel safe, loved, or connected. But you get to decide whether it is still the story you want guiding your life today.
This is the deeper work I help my clients do.
Together, we uncover the beliefs beneath their recurring patterns, understand what those beliefs have been trying to protect, and create new beliefs that feel both true and sustainable.
By combining coaching tools grounded in cognitive science, neurobiology, and positive psychology with the wisdom of the body, you can begin creating a life that feels more peaceful, meaningful, and joyful.
Here for you,
Marcy
Frequently Asked Questions
What is a limiting belief?
A limiting belief is a deeply held assumption about yourself, other people, or the world that restricts how you think, feel, or behave. Examples include I’m not good enough, My needs don’t matter, and I have to earn love.
How are limiting beliefs formed?
Limiting beliefs often develop from the meaning we give our childhood experiences. They may be influenced by parents, caregivers, teachers, peers, religion, culture, media, and experiences involving approval, criticism, affection, rejection, or silence.
Are all limiting beliefs caused by trauma?
No. Limiting beliefs do not always come from obvious trauma or intentionally harmful parenting. They can develop through ordinary experiences that a child interprets without the maturity or perspective of an adult.
What is the difference between a core belief and a core wound?
A core belief is a deeply held assumption about yourself, others, or the world. A core wound generally describes the fear or emotional pain beneath that belief. For example, the belief I have to keep everyone happy may be connected to a deeper fear of rejection or abandonment.
Can limiting beliefs be changed?
Yes. Because limiting beliefs were learned, they can be examined and gradually updated. Lasting change often involves understanding where the belief came from, recognizing how it affects your current life, and practicing a more supportive belief until it begins to feel true.
Why don’t positive affirmations always work?
An affirmation may feel false or create resistance when it is too far removed from what you currently believe. A believable bridge thought can help you move gradually toward a healthier belief without denying your present experience.
What is a bridge thought?
A bridge thought is a statement that connects an old limiting belief to a healthier new belief. Rather than forcing yourself to say I am completely worthy, you might begin with I am learning that my worth does not depend on how useful I am.
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